The Struggle Is Real(ish)

PTSD

I am scared of the future and a lot of my behavior is driven by fear. Trying to understand Shenpa better. We are going to close and sign papers and get a big mortgage and there is a part of me that is just scared that Tom will lose his job (again) and that we will not be able to afford our place. It is “thinking thoughts that scare me” and using worry as a “prayer for what I don’t want.” I get all that but it is build on a base of fear that has run my entire life. I want to do the work to change this. The wine does not help. It makes it 1000% worse.

I can control what I spend and I have been terrible. Truly truly terrible. And it is all items that are not needed or necessary. But it is part of the shenpa, the reaction to a feeling of fear. The need to feel reinforced and new. Ridiculous.

PDLGBUABTMATHWWBGMOTCAWWAVPLUBSALAPAUYW,A

HMFOGTHLIWYBAYAWABITFOTWJHMMOGPFOSNAATHOD, A !!:)

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In the Navy (Yard)

navy yardI

I am building a mighty life and I will be doing so in the Navy Yard. We close today. Hooray and Eek.

The Move.

moving

So we have one more month in Sunset Park. Moving to our new home, our expensive, big mortgage home, in the Navy Yard. I’m scared.

  1. Location — it is an exciting and growing area BUT I’m scared about getting the kids to school. Will the bus work? Will it be so annoying to go from the subway? Will the kids get to school on time?
  2. Space — All this money and we are not going to have space. We have a ton of space in Sunset Park and we will not have this much in the Navy Yard. Now mind you, the layout where we are SUCKS. We are sharing a room with our children. There is a ton of wasted space but it does seem like you can get away from one another.
  3. Commute. See above.
  4. Parking the car.
  5. Outdoor space.
  6. Dog – we can’t just let him/her out in our backyard the way we can now. If we stayed here.
  7. Friends in the neighborhood?
  8. Money. Money. Money. It is there but I need to scale back .Way back. It’s time, part of what I need to learn.
  9. What else?
  10. Am I just scared because it is real? That’s probably it.
  11. Trusting that this is where we are supposed to be and that this is what is supposed to happen. Time to trust God. Trust that we did the right thing with what we knew when we knew it.
  12. Mercury is in retrograde.
  13. Magic thinking.
  14. Amped up.
  15. Time to trust and move forward.
  16. PDLGLTMWOWFUFOFFOL, HMFOGTLIWYBAYAWABITFOTWJHMMOGPFOSNAATHOD, A!

I Can’t Moderate

I want so badly SO BADLY to be able to drink like a “normal” person. I can’t. I can for a bit. A week, two, more but I always come back here. Back to drinking more than I plan, more than I want to. Back to feeling shitty and terrible and ashamed. Back to not being a good mom. I did 43 days, then 78 days and both times thought I had this, I can drink. I can’t. I don’t want to feel like this.

But I’m so scared of the other side. I am scared of the work. Scared of having no friends. Scared of being boring and edgy and sad.

If it was not for this stupid reunion, I would start today. For now. I am in limbo. The only part I can control is not to drink now or now or now.

After reunion, AA, deal with the summer and stop drinking for good right before Launch in mid-August. I don’t want this to be my life. I want to feel better. I want to do the work and let it burn and to get to the other side. I have begged God and he is always there for me. I need to do my part.

Day 18: Shit is hard. And tiring. And annoying.

dothework

That is where I am today. I just need to do the fucking work. Being with my Mom was fine. She heard me, didn’t belabor it and let it sit. No wine for now. No big deal. But…It just feels like I have nothing to look forward to. Wine often was what I thought about at 2 or 3 in the afternoon. That I would buy some, drink most and then get through the night. Now, I just feel bored and unfulfilled. Lost a bit. Like I’m in ambiguity and I HATE ambiguity. The WORST. But that’s part of it, right? You need to sit with the unknown of it all and just have faith and trust that it all will work out for the best. Please God let it work out for the best.

Day 16: Same Old, Same Old

I found my old journals and it was really the same shit, different year. Ridiculous really. “Why can’t I stop drinking wine, I’m worried about my drinking…” Blah Blah Blah. This is the first time I am really making a change.

The amount of time and energy wasted on thinking about drinking is unbelievable. Reinforces my high bottom that’s for damn ass sure.

The Wine on the Top of the Fridge

What a relief this morning — I got up early to do a Soul Cycle class (yeah Liz, great music!) and I was getting my water and making coffee when I had a strong memory of a million mornings like this one — where I would glance up at the wine bottle on top of my fridge and see that there was only an inch or so left at the bottom. I had drank it all the night before. Probably alone, probably while looking at facebook and instragram on my couch. I likely told myself I would just have half of it, but that never really happened…

It is freeing not to have it there. It is freeing not to be bargaining with myself about how much I will/will not drink.

I want to find more pink clouds and unicorns — I’m still feeling a little edgy. But I am not drinking today. It is Friday, it is the weekend, it is my birthday tomorrow. I am not drinking today.